7 Years in Love

Why I Started Misfits in Love

When I started Misfits in Love, I’ve always said that I want to provide experiential workshops for people to experience themselves in a different context. I’ve always believed that talking about relationships was never enough to truly understand or figure out how to make relationships work. That we need to immerse ourselves into contexts and environments that challenge our old way of thinking and being. To question our choices - are they truly chosen or are they defaults shaped by social norms?

Listening to What the Work Has Been Teaching Me

 Over time, I’ve been listening to what the work is teaching me. And I'd like to share what has been emerging. Since starting Misfits in Love, our “cuddle” workshops now known as “Misfits in Touch” has grown side by side with this community. What’s emerging is that these Touch workshops have become a somatic pathway to discovering and figuring out what is true for ourselves - what’s congruent with our mind and body. 

Touch as the Primary Teacher

I’ve noticed that touch, not philosophy, is the primary teacher and through embodied, consent-based, non-sexual touch, people get to discover what feels safe, learn to track desire as information, and experience co-regulation and trust in real time. It’s a language for how we want to relate. I’ve found that practicing this language has helped people to integrate skills and a felt sense/knowing…a deep wisdom that is applicable in all relationships …for more safety and intimacy - whether platonic or romantic. 

Touch as Language, Not Just Experience

Touch doesn’t just feel good, soothe, and connect. It gives us a felt vocabulary for boundaries, a way to sense what our true yes’s and no’s are, as well as feedback for capacity and care. Touch teaches skills that words alone cannot.

This somatic knowing naturally informs how we want to relate - romantically, platonically, communally. As a result, Misfits in Touch has become the living laboratory. And what’s emerging for Misfits in Love is that it’s evolving into a place where people metabolize, reflect, and make meaning together. It's about widening the field - not boxing ourselves in with labels or ideology - and orienting toward lived truth, curiosity, and freedom of relational expression.

Touch as the Living Lab, Love as the Field Notes

What's emerging is that Touch has become a primary entryway and Love will be the community space for discussions - what we already do so well at! Touch is like the living lab and Love is the field notes we get to share and think out loud together. 

How Misfits in Love Has Evolved

When I started Misfits in Love almost 7 years ago, I imagined it being a support group for non-monogamy/polyamorous folx - mainly because I felt alone in my experience and polyamorous orientation. It has since grown and evolved and you’ve taught me so much. I continue to listen and respond out of lived experience with you.

The Colorful Gray Zone

While I’m not abandoning the philosophy of enm/polamory - I’m including it into a larger identity that’s organized around relational honesty and freedom of choice. I’ve felt this for a while now and didn’t know what it was till now. And naming it, feels like a big exhale. If you attended past online orientations, I used to call it the “colorful gray zone”. The beauty of exploring this ambiguous zone between platonic and romantic is knowing that things can’t always be black and white or fit into neat boxes. We live in a culture with very few safe, non-sexual pathways for intimacy where touch becomes charged, avoided, or commodified. This work and our community restores this missing middle. Allowing ourselves to slow down, notice what’s emerging, and enjoying connections and moments for what they are..without a goal.

So, You Might Be Wondering…

What Misfits in Love is Now

Misfits in Love is still about relationships - ALL relationships!...romantic, platonic, chosen family, community, Self. This space tends to resonate with people who are curious, reflective, and willing to explore relationships through lived experience rather than fixed answers.  Even if you identify as monogamous or non-monogamous, or you’re confused, or you’re in the process of finding out…that’s what this space is for. It’ll continue being a space where we reflect, ask questions, and think out loud together about what we’re discovering in ourselves, our relationships and choosing relational forms aligned with our ever evolving selves. This is about conscious choice and evolving relational design rather than rigid identity. This will be a space that honors relational diversity…that we may move through different relational styles in different seasons of life.

Do I need to Attend Touch to Belong to Love?

Most people will be entering our community through Touch events - as it opens the door and will be a common entry point. And Love will be a place to reflect on whatever you’re discovering. Touch is not a prerequisite, but a powerful pathway

Why Am I Telling You Now?

It’s time to name what’s already true - you may have already felt a shift or wondered: “what is Misfits in Love?” The work has matured and the community has taught me to listen. As I always say: “It’s all an experiment!” This will keep evolving and our collective feedback and lived experience will continue to shape it. This is about naming what’s already been happening. This shift comes from listening closely to members of our communities, to the work, and to my own body.

How Has Stella’s Role Shifted?
My role is becoming less about teaching a philosophy and more about stewarding a field where truth can emerge. I’d like to move away from gatekeeping and ideology and into shared agreements, lived experience, and collective responsibility for the relational field. 

Onward We Go

I’m sharing this deeper truth with you now to offer clarity and orientation, and I’ll share more soon as the next steps take shape.